Etaf Rum’s wonderful debut novel is about three generations of Palestinian women living in the US. I picked it up after October 7, 2023. I realized I knew about what was going on in Palestine, and I enjoy learning through books and stories. What I found was some general information about the country and culture. But what really stuck with me was how much I related to the women in the story.
It’s All Women
There are some aspects of life that are different for women depending on where they live. But at the core of things, it’s all the same. This book covers one young woman as she’s shown the proper way to entertain potential suitors – her future husband to be via an arranged marriage. Was I instructed the correct way to make and serve tea to a potential future husband as a young woman? No.
But I was taught to make myself small, to accommodate and acquiesce to all men. I was taught how to cook and clean up because I wouldn’t find a husband without those skills. I wasn’t part of an arranged marriage, but I was convinced by everyone I knew and all the media I consumed that my very happiness and success in life depended on me attracting and keeping a man.
Rum’s Style
I really enjoyed Rum’s writing style throughout. It was a nice mix of description and dialogue while still keeping the plot moving. I don’t have too much more to say on it because I read this a little over a year ago. However, I did happen to mark this one passage that really stuck with me though.
Fareeda knew that no matter what any woman said, culture could not be escaped. Even if it meant tragedy. Even if it meant death. At least she was able to recognize her role in their culture, own up to it, instead of sitting around saying ‘If only I had done things differently.’ It took more than one woman to do things differently. It took a world of them. She had comforted herself with these thoughts so many times before, but tonight they only filled her with shame.
Violence Against All Women
–Spoilers Ahead–
I’ve seen comments from women who do not relate with the book and see the events and characters as something that only happens to other people. I think anyone who believes that is fooling themselves. The comments I saw were on a Facebook group for book lovers. Some expressed sadness at how terrible it is for Palestinian women who have to face such violence from the men in their culture. Some commented, callously, that it all was culture and therefore somehow deserved. Sad? Sure, but what did they expect living that way?
Here’s what they are referring to in the story: A husband beats and eventually kills his wife. He’s stressed by the immense pressure of financially sustain his own family as well as his parents. He’s unhappy in his marriage and overwhelmed by being a father. How does anyone read this and not see it as a problem US women and plenty of women around the world experience as well?
The patriarchy hurts everyone. I’m writing this at the end of 2024. Here are a few things that happened this year:
- a group chat of 70,000 men from various countries discussed tips and tricks for how to rape female family members and women in general.
- a woman took her husband to trial because he drugged her for over a decade and found over 70 random men to come and rape her while she was unconscious.
- the US re-elected a rapist who boasted about how he would go backstage at his beauty pageant in order to see half-dress female children, and a man who bragged about how he would grab women’s pussies.
Final Thoughts
Please, if you read this one, don’t do it with the cultural blinders on. At it’s core, it’s a story about women both enduring and fighting against oppression from men. All women can relate to that regardless of the privilege you grew up with or currently enjoy. You’re lying to yourself if you think otherwise.