This part memoir, part social commentary focuses on how and why women should quit drinking alcohol. Completely. Wait! Don’t run off just yet, all my casual drinkers who can’t fathom getting through a week of work without that half-priced happy hour drink they reward themselves with every Friday. At least hear Holly Whitaker out before you dismiss the idea.
Why Quit Like a Woman?
I once dated and lived with an alcoholic who went through the recovery process. I’m very familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous and The Big Book. What I like about Whitaker’s take, is that’s not the only way. And it’s especially not the only way for women.
What is important to understand here is not so much how AA was formed, but who it was formed for, and why the program worked for its members. These were not women or some other marginalized class of people; these were upper-middle class white Protestant men in 1930s America. This was ten years after women’s suffrage, at the height of the eugenics movement, and thirty years before the dismantling of Jim Crow. The basis of AA’s program is the same one that asserts Eve grew from Adam’s rib; it’s one where God is a white-haired white man who men talk to directly and women talk to through their husbands. None of this framework has been addressed, changed, or altered since–it remains intact, as it first appeared eight decades ago.
Now, before you all come after me. It’s gentle criticism of AA. I mean, are we really surprised that a program started in the 1930s has a few flaws or opportunities? Whitaker is simply pointing out that a system created by the dominate men at the time is probably not the best program for women, the people being oppressed by those men.
Mom and Parent Drinking Culture
Whitaker notes our current cultural obsession with moms who drink to get through the day. It’s honestly something that I was somewhat aware of, but now that it’s been pointed out to me in this angle I can’t unsee it. It’s not saying that there are nefarious intentions by the people peddling the “Mommy Drinks” wares. Instead, it’s more about pointing out how we’re normalizing this excessive drinking. I’m in my 40s. I can’t imagine a bunch of moms on the sidelines of my soccer games casually drinking in the middle of the day before driving me home. Whitaker isn’t trying to shame (at least that’s my interpretation of her prose) but she is trying to point out how drastically things have changed, and not for the better.
Her best comparison for this is our views on cocaine versus alcohol:
We are supposed to consume alcohol and enjoy it, but we’re not supposed to become alcoholics. Imagine if this were the same with cocaine. Imagine we grew up watching our parents snort lines at dinner, celebrations, sporting events, brunches, and funerals. We’d sometimes (or often) see our parents coked out of our minds the way we sometimes (or often) see them drunk. We’d witness them coming down after a cocaine binge the way we see them recovering from a hangover. Kiosks at Disneyland would see it so our parents could make it through a day of fun, our mom’s book club would be one big blow-fest and instead of “mommy juice” it would be called “mommy powder” There’d be coke-tasting parties in Napa and cocaine cellars in fancy people’s homes, and everyone we know (including our pastors, nurses, teachers, coaches, bosses) would snort it. The message we’d pick up as kids could be Cocaine is great, and one day you’ll get to try it, too! Just don’t become addicted to it or take it too far. Try it; use it responsibly. Don’t become a cocaine-oholic though. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking. That’s insane, everyone knows cocaine is far more addicting than alcohol and far more dangerous. Except, it’s not…The point is not that alcohol is worse than cocaine. The point is that we have a really clear understanding that cocaine is toxic and addictive. We know there’s no safe amount of it, no such thing as “moderate” cocaine use; we know it can hook us and rob us of everything we care about…We know we are better off not tangling with it at all.
Is This Book For You?
Maybe, maybe not. I mentioned before I dated a man who went through rehab. AA was not for him. It works for some, but it’s not for everyone. This book is similar. If you can borrow it from the library or find it cheap somewhere, if you can afford it and are looking to cut back or completely cut alcohol out of your life, this is worth reading. The worst that happens is doesn’t work for you and you’re out $20 or a few hours of your life. The best that could happen is it changes your life. Literally.
I will say that there are times where Whitaker sounds preachy and there are times where she sounds privileged, the point where I get the feeling that most people won’t be able to replicate her path to sobriety. The resources she had access to sounded way beyond what the average person has. But she’s done her research and I would say that just reading her takes on alcohol and feminism had a positive impact on my own views and made the read worthwhile.
